Random Story-Time!

[Maya]

Me in the shower! (Don’t judge. Lmao)
Me: *sings* Oh rubber ducky! You’re the one! You make bath time so much fun!
Speed: *bursts in* Where’s the ducky?! Maya!!!!
Me: *screams* Speed get the fuck outta here!
Speed: Why? You’re in the shower. I’m not. So! Where’s the ducky?
Me: What?
Speed: Nut and Sessy hid a rubber ducky in here… I just know it! I gotta pee!
Me: Speed! Wait until I’m done!
Speed: I can’t!
Me: *sighs* You done?
Speed: Yup! Now where is it! Maya look around in the shower or else!
Me: Or else what?
Speed: Or I’ll come in there and find it!
Me: Oh snap! *looks frantically for it; squeals with fear at random purple rubber ducky*
Speed: YA FIND IT?!
Me: Yeah! It was lookin’ at me! *tosses it over the shower*
Speed: NOICEEE!!! Wait what?? Did Nut put some video camera on it? I hope he did!
Me: You’re a perve now get outttt!!
Speed: OH! What’s that Nut?! You DID put a video camera in it! Sweet!
Me: *screams* WHATT?!
Nut: *runs in* You’ve been Nut’d! *runs out*
Me: *growls* You better hope you’re in Timbuktu before I get out!
Speed: Why?
Me: *bangs head against wall of shower* Can’t a girl shower in peace?!
Speed: I love you, Maya! *runs out*

And to think it all started with a commercial… (This morning)
Commercial: I’m a hand’s man.
Me: *giggles*
Nut: *waggles eyebrows* I can do a LOT of things with my hands.
Me: I won’t even bother to argue that…
Nut: AWW C’MON!! It’s fun when you do!
Me: *grabs his hat* I’m GANGSTA YO!
Nut: You’re… Special y’know that?
Me: *copies Sessy’s accent* Bitch, please! Stop hatin’ on me!
Sessy: Well! Lookee hur! I got me a mini-me!
Me: Ima original! I can do me all by mahself!
Nut: *laughs*
Sessy: Ima start callin’ you mah mini-me from now on.
Me: AWWW HELLZ NAWW!! You done did called me short! Don’t be gettin’ all up in mah kool aid when you don’t even know tha flava!
Sessy: *clings to couch; laughing hard* Homie, get out mah grill!
Nut: *screams with laughter*
Me: Den back tha hell up, g!
Sessy: Do I sound like that?
Nut: *nods head; laughing*
Me: *normal voice* Thank youu!! I’m here all week! Now… That’ll be $250!
Nut: *falls on floor laughing*
Sessy: *shocked face* Damn! I can get strippers cheaper den dat!
Me: *laughs* Maybe you need to ride your standards.
Sessy and Nut: *screams with laughter*
Me: *confused* What? What did I say?
Sessy: *looks at Nut and me* RIDE your standards! *laughs*
Nut: *laughs uncontrollably*
Me: *goes bright red* Oh… I uh… Meant “rise.”
Nut: Sure ya did!
Sessy: By the way, Baya… I do RIDE my standards.
Me: *laughs* TMI! But I love you guys!

This was a while ago… But! Nut’s first and last driving test! (Nut was “babysitting” me so I could be in the car with him.)
Teacher: Alright.. Pull out of the parking lot.
Nut: *does as told*
Me: *stays quiet in backseat*
Nut: Which way?
Teacher: Surprise me.
Nut: Iight. *goes left*
Teacher: Good. Now stop at the stop light.
Nut: I ain’t dumb.
Me: Be nice.
Teacher: *obnoxiously* SHHH!!
Me: *glares at teacher*
Nut: *waits for light to turn green*
Teacher: *whistles to himself*
Me: *mimics teacher* SHHHH!!!!
Teacher: *jumps a little; clears throat* Now, turn here and stop at the stop sign.
Nut: Alright. *stops at stop sign; looks both ways for cars*
Me: *twiddles thumbs*
Teacher: *after two minutes of waiting* Aren’t you going to move?
Nut: Nope!
Teacher: *groans*
15 minutes pass
Teacher: How about now?
Nut: *watches stop sign intensely* Nuhuh.
Me: *yawns boredly*
Teacher: SHHH!!!
Me: *glares; mutters* Jerk..
Half an hour (or so later) And by this time traffic is backed up, and horns are honking.
Teacher: *glares at Nut* Dante… What are you waiting for?
Nut: The stop sign to turn green!
Me: *screams with laughter*

We got back to the DMV.
Nut: *happily asks* SO! Did I pass?! *looks hopeful and childish*
Teacher: *mutters* Yeah…
Nut: I didn’t?! *frowns* I’ll just have to come back then!
Teacher: *looks scared* NO! NO! You PASSED!
Nut: *picks up teacher in a bear hug* Thank you, man!
Teacher: PUT ME DOWN!
Nut: *puts him down*
Teacher: *whispers to me* I never want to see him here again… Keep him far away. *shudders*
Me: *laughs; Nut lifts me up*
Nut: *sing-song-y voice* MAYAAAA!!! I PASSEDDD!!! *dances about*
Me: Who would’ve thought… The idiot passed…

Last year in Civics class (Sophomore)
Mr. Graham: Heather stole Gwen’s zebra and her truck.. And the truck has marijuana in it!
Me: *gasp* HEATHER! How could you?!
Heather (She doesn’t smoke..): What? I’m sorry, Maya… I like to smoke!
Me: *shakes head* Not that! HER ZEBRA?! *incredulous expression* How could you do that to her?!
Mr. Graham: Amaya… You’re taking the fun out of this.
Me: Sorry, G! Continue!
Mr. Graham: So she’s zooming down the high-way and *gasps* THERE’S A COP!
Me: OH MY GOD! NO WAYY!!!
Mr. Graham: *glares at me* Since Amaya is being… Rude… Let me start a new story… Okay. So I take Gwen and we go to… *stops* What’s that place down the street from us… Kahoots?
Me: *grins mischievously* Sure… Continue!
Mr. Graham: Alright! So I take Gwen and we go to Kahoots to buy… A car!
Me: *raises hand* Uh… Mr. G? They don’t sell cars there…
Mr. Graham: What do you mean?
Me: Well… Let’s just say you wouldn’t buy a car there.
Heather: It’s a strip bar!
Mr. Graham: *goes red* Well… Never mind… We won’t buy a car.
Me: But… You could probably get a ride there! *waggles eyebrows*
Mr. Graham: Now, Amaya, that is NOT appropriate!
Me: *grins; laughing* You’re the perve who wanted to bring a minor to Kahoots!
Heather: Yeah! Aren’t you apart of the military?
Mr. Graham: ANYWAY! We’re going back to the purpose of this lesson.
Me: Yeah! Don’t go to Kahoots lookin’ for a car… Just get a ride!
Class: *uncontrollably laughs*

[akia]

kind of mature...

Maju
I wish you were my roommate

Allison
I wish I was too
but no co-op roommates

Maju
yeah.. unfortunately
but
we could be best study partners
you know it

Allison
study then have sex
hm
I like it

Maju
eh

Allison
or try to study, then have sex

Maju
*puts his hand forward*

Allison
and then try to study again

Maju
Eh...

Allison
and then do it again

Maju
ORO

Allison
and realize it's 2 am and all we did was have sex multiple times and finally cram
*grins*

Maju
*points his finger at her*
you are a sex fiend!
T_T

Allison
I am? No way!
I never knew ._.

Maju
-.-
you just suggested to sex
again!

Allison
._. so

Maju
-.- sex deviant much

Allison
*innocently grins*

[Desert]

OMG Getting meh haircut.

Me: -walks through door and poses- I HAVE ARRIVED!
Person at the front desk: -Your hair looks like something my grandmother ate than spit up.
Me: That's not nice! I look like an Emo hippie! Get your facts straight man!
Front desk person: I'm a woman!
Me: -deer in the headlights look- Oh....OH!
Man lady: Please sign here before I call the police
Me: What did I do wrong?
Man Lady: You called me a man!
Me: -signs in quickly-

Cute hair dresser girl: Ahhh Jordyn. Will you come with me?
Me: I'd come even if you didn't want me to.
Cute hair dresser girl: I'm Brianna, just so you know. -smiles-
Me: -grins-
Brianna: Sit down and we'll get started
Me: Should we close the door first.
Brianna: You're so cute.
Me: Oh I know! -blushes-
Brianna: -strokes my mane- You have gorgeous hair. It's so soft and shiny.
Me: Awwww well. I try to keep it nice. erm... I know I have a lot of it.
Brianna: You do have a lot of it.
Me: Tell you what. You do a good job. I'll let you keep it!
Brianna: Oh that's very nice of you....I think. -begins to cut-
Me: Hey! I'm a nice guy.
Brianna: Why is your scalp blue?
Me: My evil little sister died it.
Brianna: Ohhh. I understand that. My cousin is like that.
Me: Who's your cousin?
Brianna: His name is Andre. Andre Call.
Me: -gags- EXCUSE ME?
Brianna: You know him?
Me: He's one of my best friends! And you're related to him! Let's just get this over with!
Brianna: -smiles- You're lucky I don't cut all your hair off.
Me: You're lucky I have hair!
Brianna: -strokes my hair again- I can't cut it off. You just have beautiful hair!
Me: I get that a lot.

Me: Now's where you start moaning and screaming.
Brianna: Oh haha.

(after haircut)

Me: -screams to the heavens- I FEEL LIKE A NEW MAN!
Man Lady: At least your hair looks normal.
Me: Oh Ma'am sir. Lay off the testosterone!
Man Lady: YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!
Me: Oh crap! -runs away-
Man Lady: GET BACK HERE MCLEIR!!!!!!!!
Me: -runs faster- COPS COPS! I'M BEING CHASED BY GODZILLA!

(In the barn)
Me: Hiya Jasper!
Jasper: -looks at me-
Me: Time to get you loaded up in the trailer!
Jasper: -grunts-
Me: -clips on lead rope-
Jasper: -sneezes-
Me: YOU COVERED ME IN HORSE SNOT!
Jasper: -whinnies happily-

Me: -tries to pull him into the trailer-
Jasper: -bobs head-
Me: C'mon Jazz! Just a few more steps!
Jasper: -pulls back-
Me: Get your fat bay ass into that trailer!. -pulls-
Jasper: -sits down-
Me: You have to be kidding me!

(at home)

Layra: -walks downstairs-
Me: AHHHHH! Can't you put some clotes on BEFORE you come out of you lair?
Layra: Geez! It's not like you've never seen anything before. Besides! I live here. I can wear whatever I like weather that be something or nothing at all.
Me: Yeah! But I'M here. I don't want to see anything! -covers eyes- IT BUUUUUURNS
Layra: Coming from the guy who doesn't like to wear a shirt.
Me; Well. At least I don't have mountains on my chest!
Layra: -gasps- Their not that big! Besides! You have man boobs!
Me: Do not!
Layra: Fine. At least I don't have....
Me: Don't you dare. -angry look-
Layra: Whatever.
Me: -sighs-
Layra: -randomly bursts into song- THERE'S A PLACE IN FRANCE WHERE THE NAKED LADIES DANE! THERE'S A HOLE IN THE WALL WHERE THE GUYS CAN SEE IT ALL!
Me: -bursts into laughter-
Layra: THERE'S A KING AND A QUEEN WITH A RUBBER DING-A-LING!!!
Me: -scared look-

(At a ranch with friends staring at electric fence- The stupidest decision I've ever made)

Jason: I read a book where a guy peed on the wire. I bet that's even better to make a man larger than Viagra
Jared: Who would want to pee on a wire?
Nick: Who the Hell uses Viagra anyway.
Me: VIIIVVVVAAAA VIAGRA!
Tristan: Well I'm a proud virgin!
Me: Well that's sayin' something!
Jason: So. Is anyone gonna do it?
Me: I'll do it. But you'll have to pay me.
Jason: Fine.
The pack: -laughs evily-
Jackass: Good luck, Jordyn.

Andre: What's taking you?
Me: Nothing's coming out! I think it's scared.
Jason: That's what the person said in the book!
Me: Ok. How did he do it?
Jason: He said something about tricking it.
Me: You can't trick mine! It's smart -grins-
Jason: Drink more water.
Me: It's trembling with fear! Help meh!
Nick: I'll help!
Me: NO! I got it! It's working now.
Jason: You need to aim just right!
Me: mmmk. -aims for wire-

The pack: -quiet-
Me: -sees sparks- Uh-oh!
Jason: -bursts out laughing-
Me: -get's shocked. Feels it all the way up to my head- HOLY "BLEEEEEEP" -falls backwards screaming and twitching-
The pack: -roars with laughter-
Tristan: YOUR HAIR IS STICKING OUT!
The pack: -leans over me-
Me: -holding groin screaming; twitching-
Jared: Oh my GOG! It's turning purple and look -points-
Andre: THAT DOES WORK BETTER THAN VIAGRA!
Me: You idiots owe me a lot of money! -bites lip-
Nick: I've seen more than enough.
The pack: So, you feel any different?
Me: Nooooo. I just pissed on an electric wire! I feel FINE!
Jason: No need for sarcasim.
Ranch owner: -walks up- What the hell?
The pack: RUN!
Me: -gets up and waddles after them- HEY WAIT FOR ME!
Ranch owner: -catches me- Put that thing away kid. No one wants to see it.
Me: -looks down- I don't think it'll fit
Ranch owner: Try.
Me: -tries- It's stuck! -cries in pain when touched-
Ranch owner: Stay here. I'll be right back.
Me: -tries again- WOO I DID IT!
Ranch owner: -turns around- Hmmmmm.
Me: -looks down- DAMN! It looks like someone stuck a rock down there!
Ranch owner: That's why you don't pee on electric objects.
Me: Well....thanks. I guess -waddles away-
Ranch owner: Now there's the walk of a cowboy!
Me: Ow....ow....ow...ow.ow
(and that's why I run away when Jason says: "I read a book")

[Maya]

An AIM convo between me and my friend, Becca! Take one!
Becca Is Availiable: I need a ride!!!
Me: ....nice.... to ur aim status thingg haha
Becca: lol
Becca: I NEEDDDDD AA RIDE!
HHA
Me: dont share ur sex life wit me! LMFAO
Becca: WAIT
Becca: WAIT
Becca: WHATTTT
Becca: OMGG
Becca: ...i want a ride TO franklins haha.
Becca: not ON FRANKLIN
Becca: gosh!
Me: o really??? u kno u want toooo!!! Haha

Take two!
Me: >: D lol i have a dirty mind dont i? rofl
Becca: haha
Becca: kinda
Me: rofl. honestyyyyy. yea i do. but its funny. so haha!
Becca: lol
Me: trueee story!
Becca: lmao
Me: lolol
Becca: WOOT
Becca: i mite hang with terrence.
Becca: lol
Me: YAY
Me: lol
Becca: well not hangg
Becca: just
Becca: make him give me a ride
Me: ...wat type a ride we talkin bout here?
Becca: OH MY GODDD!
Becca: first i wanna ride franklin. now terrence?
Becca: GOD DAMN.
Me: HAHAH
Me: u get around....
Me: lol
Becca: im just the town whore HUH?
Becca: lol
Me: hahaha i wanna be like u when i grow up!!! JK
Becca: HAHAHAHAH!!!!
Becca: i bet you do
Me: ROFLLLL!!! oh yes i do! ure just my hero! lmfao
Becca: lol
Becca: OMG? REALLY?
Becca: lol
Becca: lmao!
Becca: WOW. i knew being a whore would come in handy
Becca: But i always say im a virgin. but really. im not YO IM JP!
Becca: lol
Becca: ima good girl
Me: LMAO! I KNEW IT! haha
Me: good girls can go bad....
Me: haha
Me: like that song...
Becca: Lol SHH DONT TELL THEM!
Becca: lol
Me: ur secret is safe wit me... cuz im the same way! haha
Becca: OMG!
Becca: whod you lose it to? llmao
Me: ohhhh just sum guy! hahaha jp
Me: naw id never be that way
Becca: lmao
Becca: really.
Becca: i was so drunk
Becca: i dont remember whats his name
Me: I WAS DRUNK TOOOO!!! rofl
Becca: haaaa
Becca: WOOTO
Becca: i think it was a he...
Becca: hm
Becca: lol
Me: lmfao ik for a fact mine was a guy… HE WAS DAMN GOOD! but i made him better thats just how I do it haha! …LITERALLY!
Becca: get it girl!
Me: i already got it! hahaha